The Difference Of Confection And Chef
by theguywhohasaname
Summary: *sigh* This should be a parody of Valerie's fic, The Difference of Perfection and Death... R+R


A thought hit me last night; People make parodies of just about everything. So I am going to make parodies of other peoples fanfics, starting with this one. Don't forget to review this, okay? If you don't review it, I will be angry. If I have less reviews than I do hits for this when I check the statistics screen, I will be very angry indeed... If you don't write a review, I'll figure out who you are, and then I'll write a parody of one of YOUR fics! So you'd better review...  
  
Heero was trapped in the kitchen of an Oz base, being forced to cook for the soldiers there. "Okay, let's see... A little bit of paprika... A little oregano... Some terpentine... A little Pinesol.... And that should just about do it." Heero informed the two guards outside the kitchen door that it was ready. "Hmmm... That smells good... Nobody will know if I just have a little taste." One of the guards said, and seconds later he fell to the ground. "What did you do to that stuff?!?" The other guard yelled. "You must have made it taste REALLY good!" The second guard then ate some of the stew Heero had made, and also fell down. Heero frowned. "Oz soldiers fall down go boom. Oh, well. Now to get the hell out of here."  
  
Heero ran from the kitchen and down a long, poorly lit corridor. Then a door opened, and an Oz soldier came out. The Oz soldier stared at Heero for several seconds. He squinted his eyes. Then he squinted even more. His eyes were narrow little slits, and Heero remained perfectly still, waiting for the soldier to make the first move. "Oh, they let a girl in here, huh? Come 'ere, cutie!" Heeros eyes became extremely wide, and he backed away from the man. "Aw, come on, I'm not going to hurt you or anything, I just want to have a little fun..." The man lunged for Heero, and Heero was unable to dodge him in time. "Whoa, get the hell away from me!" Heero shouted, but the Oz soldier puckered up his lips and kissed Heero right on the lips. "Ack, why the hell did you have to do that?" The soldier smiled, and stuck a hand in Heeros spandex shorts. "Huh?!? Uh-oh... Somethin' tells me you aren't a girl, are you?" The soldier backed away and put on some glasses he had pulled from his pocket.  
  
"Oh, you aren't. Well, that's okay, you're still cute..." Heero turn and ran back down the hallway, and the Oz soldier ran after him. "Er... There's some really good soup in the kitchen, ya know! Why don't you go get some?" Heero yelled back at the soldier behind him. "Oh, I'm gonna get me some all right!" Heero gulped and ran faster. Heero saw the door to the kitchen, and ran inside. He quickly baked a cake and slipped an entire bottles worth of viagra into the cake. "I hope this works..." The Oz soldier entered the kitchen, and Heero handed him the cake. "Here, eat this." The Oz soldier was about to set down the cake and go after Heero, but it smelled too good to pass up, so he ate the entire cake. Suddenly there was the sickening sound of flesh being ripped, and a large bloodstain appeared in the crotch of the mans pants. "M-My dick exploded!" He screamed in horror, and Heero ran out the door.   
  
Heero realised he was holding a small baggy, and he held it up and examined the contents. "Oh, yeah, this is the left over confectioners sugar from the cake... And a piece of cheese, too." Heero held on to the small baggy, having a feeling that he might need to use it soon. Then he continued running through the hall, looking for the exit. But halfway down the hall, he was attacked by Oz soldiers, and despite the fact that he managed to take out 12 of them with his bare hands, they eventually captured him, and then they did horrible, unspeakable things to him...  
  
(This next paragraph is mostly Valeries, though I modified it slightly.)  
  
Thy beat me senseless, every now and again, until I passed out. They tortured my already broken body until I screamed, but I never begged for mercy. They didn't care whether I died or not. They didn't care if… If they had taken a boy not past fifteen and… (From here on it's all mine.) And forced me to make them all that food... And then they insulted my cooking! I can't think of anything that could possibly have been worse than that... They... They said I... They said I cooked like a girl! Heero cried, and cried. "Ow, I shouldn't cry. It hurts. If those bastards hadn't beaten the crap out of me over and over again, I'd be able to cry over them insulting my cooking..." Hero sighed, and then he began humming a song. Unfortunately, he then began to tap his fingers on his knees to the rhythm, and a bone was sticking through the skin of his right knee. "OWGODDAMNITTHATHURTI'MGOINGTOKILLSOMEONE!!!"  
  
Then Heero remembered what he had hidden in his spandex shorts. "The confectioners sugar! And... If I remember correctly... Some cheese!" Heero waited for a mouse to run across the floor of the prison cell he was in, and then he held out the cheese. The mouse ran to Heero. "Hey, little mousey. If you want this cheese, you'll have to do something for me first. Go get the keys to this cell!" The mouse ran through the bars, and a few minutes later returned with a key. "Good mousey, here's the cheese." Heero gave the mouse the piece of cheese, and the mouse ran from the prison cell. Heero inserted the key into the lock, turned it, and... The key broke. "That mouse made a key out of wax?!?" Heero glared at the mouse standing on the other side of the bars. The mouse fell over backwards, and began rolling around on the floor, laughing. Heero frowned and sat down. "OWSHITIFORGOTABOUTMYKNEEEEEE!!!"  
  
Heero sat in the corner of the cell, and thought about what had happened before he had come to this Oz base. And then his thoughts turned to Duo, and the conversation they had had before he left...  
  
***  
  
"Heero! Poi, Heero! Quatre made Poi!" (The original line was "Heero! Oi, Heero!" Quite clever of me, isn't it?) Heero opened the door to his room and exited, walking down the stairs and into the kitchen. "After we eat, we're all going out. Me and Quatre and the others, we all planned a nice little picanic (Basket. Hehehe... Yogi is smarter than the average bear.) Duo ran to Heero and latched on to his arm. "Hey, get off!" Heero shook his arm, but Duo wouldn't let go. Heero began to spin around in circles, but Duo wouldn't let go. "Get offa me!" Heero slammed Duo into the wall next to him over and over again, but Duo just grinned at him. "Argh... Fine, I'll go..." Duo let go. "Hey, Heero, you don't look all that happy... Something wrong?" Heero sighed, and then nodded his head. :It should be me in there cooking. Why does Quatre always get to cook?"  
  
Heero then frowned. "Duo... I've been assigned to another mission. I'm supposed to go to Baskin Robbins and taste all 31 flavors..." Duo wrapped his arms around Heeros waist and held on protectively. "You... You can't go, Heero! I wont let you! It's too dangerous!" Heero nodded his head. "So you want to go too, dont you?" Duo frantically nodded his head. "Well, I'm afraid you can't. You were right, it is dangerous. The particular Baskins I'm talking about is in the middle of an Oz base." Duos lower lip trembled. I wonder if he seems upset because he doesn't get to go, or... No, that's ridiculous. It must be because he can't go. The two sat at the table where the other gundam pilots were waiting, and Heero quickly began eating his food. "Damn it Heero, wait!" Heero paused. "I want you to promise me something." Heero felt his heart skip a beat at how sweet, yet quite serious, Duos voice seemed. "Promise me that you'll come back... Hold on, I have to pee!" Duo ran from the table and to the bathroom.  
  
When Duo returned, he sat down in the empty chair beside Heero, and moved it VERY close to him. "Promise me that you'll come back... to" Then Quatre shriekd from inside the kitchen. "NOOOOOOO!!! MY SOUFFLE!!!" Duo, Heero, Trowa and Wufei ran into the kitchen to see Quatre crying over his ruined souffle. Trowa stayed to comfort him, but the other three went back to the dining room. "Anyways, like I was saying... Please, Heero, promise me that you'll come back... To me..." Heero was startled by what Duo had just said. Heero was about to reply, but then Quatre screamed again. "Oh Allah, what's that smell?!? It's the pies, and they're all burned to hell!!!" Heero looked back at Duo, annoyed at the interruption. "I... I promise, Duo, I'll come back. IF, and ONLY if, you make me a balloon animal. Right now. A poodle. With a black balloon. No, not that one, that one right there. Yeah." Then Duo bent and twisted the balloon into the shape of a poodle. "Here you go, Heero."  
  
I hope I'll be able to make it back... If I don't make it back alive, Duo'll kill me... He'll be furious with me for dying... Well, there's only one way to find out whether I'll live or not, isn't there? I'll check my horoscope! Heero turned on his laptop and connected to the internet. He went to a site where he could read his horoscope, and did so. "Let's see... It says 'Do not plan on going on any suicide missions to a Baskin Robbins in the middle of an Oz base, or you will die.' Those horoscopes are so mysterious... I wonder what it means? Well, it sounded promising to me, so I'll go." Heero stared out the window of his room at the endless stretch of sand beyond Quatres desert base.  
  
***  
  
"I guess that damn horoscope lied... I wont be making it out of this one. And I'll never even get a chance to say goodbye to... Duo. Duo..." Heero then fell to the ground, and his eyes closed. The mouse, who had the keys to the cell, ran inside to see why Heero had fainted. Heero reached out and grabbed the mouse before it had a chance to run. "Hehehe... Stupid mouse. Now gimme those keys!" Heero grabbed the keys, but the mouse gripped them tightly with its teeth, and wouldn't let go. "Let go, damn it!" Heero pulled harder, and the mouses false teeth flew out of its mouth. "Ha, I won! And now I can get the hell out of here! I'm coming, Duo..." But then Heero really did pass out.  
  
Duo heard Heero say his name, and then he was finally in front of the cell in which they had imprisoned him. "Heero? What the hell have they done to you?!" At the sound of Duos voice, Heero was somehow roused from his state of unconciousness. "Duo... They made me cook for them, and they insulted my cooking, and they beat the shit out of me..." Duo cursed. "Just great. Why the hell didn't they rape you? I bet Trowa 50 dollars they'd beat the crap out of you, make you cook, insult your cooking, and rape you... I guess I relied too much on the original version of this story..." Heero glared up at Duo. "Why the hell did you bet on something as sick as that?" Duo shrugged his shoulders helplessly. "Hey, in The Difference of Perfection and Death, that's what happened to you. Minus the cooking part. And I wasn't able to read too much of the script to this parody of it, so all I know is that you had to cook for them."  
  
Heero then passed out again. "He looks like he's lost a lot of blood... And so pale... They broke his leg, too... Damn it, I should go kill every one of these Oz bastards... But Heero... Heero will always come first. I can always kill them later." Duo picked Heero up, and then he thought a bit harder. "On second thought, if I ran really really fast, I could get both accomplished in the time it would take for me to just save Heero if I had walked..." Duo ran around the base, carrying Heero, and eventually found a room full of missiles. "Perfect..." Duo set the timer on the missiles, and then he ran like hell. He got to the outskirts of the base, and reached to pull the camouflage covering off of his jeep. "Crap, there's nothing here... Where the hell did I leave my jeep?" Duo ran all around, trying to find his camouflaged jeep. "I camouflaged it way too well." He said, and then he fell to the ground. "OW, crap! Well, I found it." He reached up and pulled off the camouflage covering. "Oh... That isn't my jeep..." He had just pulled the camouflage covering off of a secret field of marijuana. "So THAT is where all the Oz guys are..."  
  
The entire field of marijuana was full of Oz soldiers, all smoking the stuff. "Uh, have any of you guys seen a camouflaged jeep?" Duo asked, and one of the Oz soldiers pointed behind Duo. Duo turned around and reached out into the air, then he felt the camouflage covering, and pulled it off his jeep. "Oh, here it is. Hey, thanks, Mr. Oz guy. By the way, do you know this guy I'm carrying?" The soldier nodded his head. "Thassis the guy I wuss beatin' up e... Ealer... Er... Ear... Earlier... Yeah, thassi... Ehliehw..." Duo punched the Oz soldier in the face while simultaneously kneeing him in the crotch. "Owowowowow... Woooo... Oooow..." Duo ran and placed Heero in the passengers seat of the jeep, and then he went to get into the drivers seat, but an old man in an Oz uniform was already sitting there. "What the hell are you doing in my jeep?" The old man laughed. "Hehehe.... Heehee... Hahaha... Hehe... I am SO old..." Duo grabbed the old man and threw him out of the jeep and climbed into the drivers seat.  
  
"Come on, Heero, wake up..." Duo said as he drove the jeep back towards Quatres base. Heeros eyes flickered, and then opened slowly. "Duo? Where..." "We're getting the hell out of here, and going back to Quatres base. That's where." Then Duo glanced at the clock, and saw that the missiles would launch and hit the roof of the place in... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... Duo looked behind him at the base, and he saw the words 'Happy Birthday, Joe!" appear over the base. "Damn it! I thought those were missiles... I'm gonna have to go back there and kill those bastards later..." Duo frowned. He turned and looked at Heero, and saw that Heero was looking right back at him. "Duo... I... Need to tell you something..." Duo was surprised at the tone of Heeros voice.   
  
Heero looked at Duo, and Duo was quite sure he saw something... Maybe even love... In Heeros eyes. "Yes, Heero?" "I... Duo... This is very hard for me to say..." "Well... I just want to say three simple words..." "Booger... In... Nose." Heero pointed at Duos nose. "Argh, god damn it, Heero! Why the hell did you say that?" "Because it's true." Duo pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and blew his nose. "It's gone now." Heero informed him. "Heero... Is there anything else you want to say?" Duos heart sank low in his chest. I guess I was right, Heero couldn't possibly love me... Heero was silent. "I love you, Duo." Heero suddenly blurted out. The jeep suddenly made a VERY sharp right turn, and it almost fell over on its side. Duo straightened out the wheel and continued driving towards Quatres base. "Sorry about that... I didn't quite hear you right, and I kinda freaked out... What did you say, again?" "I love you."  
  
"Heero, do you seriously mean that?" Heero ndded his head. "You really, really meant that? You actually love me?" Heero nodded his head again. Duo was speechless. He couldn't think of anything at all to say, so he just leaned over and kissed Heero. Then he finally managed to say "We're almost there, Heero." Then Heero handed Duo a small baggy full of white stuff. "What's this?" "Confectioners sugar." Duo grinned. "Do you know what the difference between sugar and you is?" Heero shook his head. "You're a lot sweeter."  
  
To be continued... (Or, in the words of Valerie, 'End for now..')  
  
Hehehe... Hopefully it was worthy of being called a parody. I completely forgot about what this parody is called until the very end, so I made sure to tell what the difference of confection and chef is. Hehehe... Hopefully you liked it, and perhaps you'll even consider reviewing it. Please, please, please review it! And look for some of my other parodies later on. I haven't made any more yet, but I have some good ideas, and, as a plus, I'm sure I'll do a lot better on my next one than I did on this one. There were a few parts in here I wasn't quite sure about... Anyways, review this one, look for more later, check in every once in a while for the second chapter of this one, and goodbye. 


End file.
